Not Over You
by moriarty's-tardis
Summary: A Malec songfic based on the song Not Over You by Gavin Degraw. Malec. Male/Male. Magnus/Alec
1. dreams and memories

**WARNING: Spoilers in this chapter for the ending of COLS. There are no warnings for the content of this chapter unless you don't like fluff that turns into sadness.**

**Enjoy! **

* * *

_Jace was grinning at the sight before him. Izzy was standing next to him a small smile teasing her lips. Jace let out a chuckle and Izzy shushed him. Alec walked into the room, oblivious. _

_"__Hey guys, what-" He stopped mid sentence and dead in his tracks. _

_In the center of the kitchen, on the island table, was the biggest cake Alec had ever seen. It had blue frosting covering three thick layers; each layer at least a foot tall. Sitting on the little space left over on the counter was Magnus, swinging his legs and beaming. _

_"__Happy birthday Alexander! I know its really tomorrow but you're all leaving for Idris tomorrow and I wanted to be able to celebrate with you before you left."_

_Alec's mouth was hanging open at the monstrous cake._

_"__I..." He started, unable to finish his thought. Jace laughed so hard he was tearing up. Izzy elbowed him in the ribs, causing him to double over, but it didn't stop his laughter. _

_"__I knew he would react like that...Oh Raziel...Alec, your face!" Jace wheezed out between breaths. Magnus's smile dropped, insulted. Alec shot Jace a look before walking over to Magnus. He took his hands and helped him off the counter before hugging him and saying, "I love it. Thank you, Magnus." They parted and Magnus glanced over at Jace. _

_"__Why is your obnoxious Parabatai laughing like an asthmatic hyena?" Magnus asked, making no attempt to be quiet or discreet about the comment. _

_"__He just doesn't understand a gesture of affection." Alec replied, trying to explain delicately. _

_"__He is probably just jealous that Clary didn't make him a cake." Magnus sneered in Jace's direction. Jace scoffed at Magnus's accusation. _

_"__I'm laughing because your giant cake is taking up the whole goddamn kitchen."_

_"__It's true," Alec admitted, "it's gigantic. Angel, Magnus, where am I going to put the leftovers?"_

_Magnus dismissed the comment with a hand gesture. _

_"__I'll take care of that. I made the frosting the same color as your eyes." Magnus said nonchalantly, in a way that meant he expected a compliment. _

_"__Its amazing. Thank you." Alec said, chuckling. Magnus reached out and dabbed frosting on Alec's nose. _

_"__Hey!" He protested, but Magnus ran around to the other side of the table._

_"__And the Warlock exclaimed, 'Let them eat cake!'" He said ironically, before cutting pieces for everyone. _

_Alec accepted the cake and leaned in to kiss Magnus's cheek, but Magnus turned his head so their lips met instead._

Magnus opened his eyes to see that he was staring at the ceiling instead of into the blue eyes of his shadowhunter. He repressed a groan of irritation and rolled on his side. He glanced out the window and saw that the sun hadn't even began to breach the horizon. He sighed and closed his eyes.

_Alec isn't my shadowhunter anymore. I need to let him go. Its better for both of us. _He thought angrily.

He hadn't seen him since the break up and it was like his brain had reserved only his favorite memories for his dreams. It was becoming unbearably painful to have such sweet dreams and then yanked back into reality._ If only I could live in my dreams, then I could see his face without pain accompanying me. _

Magnus reached out to his nightstand and lifted up a picture he had put face down. It was a picture of them, one of his favorite pictures. It was from their vacation around the world. The picture was taken in Paris, behind them was the night sky and the Eiffel tower in the distance, but Magnus was too distracted to focus on the view.

Alec was smiling in this picture; A real smile that reached his blue eyes, which were focused on Magnus standing next to him. He was wearing a blue sweater that Magnus had forced him into, saying he needed more color in his wardrobe. Magnus looked at this picture and agreed that Alec looked great. The sweater brought out his eyes and he looked so handsome. His hair was windblown and his hand was in Magnus's. Magnus could remember how his warm fingers felt locked in Alec's icy ones. Magnus felt like his heart was caught in a bear trap when he saw they way Alec looked at him when he wasn't looking. _I never would have seen this look if I hadn't had the picture taken. _Magnus wondered how many other wistful, loving looks Alec had sent him when he wasn't paying attention.

Magnus remembered the song playing on the plane ride from Paris to their next destination. Magnus had been shocked when Alec offered one of his earbuds to Magnus so he could listen too. Alec had apologized about his favorite songs, saying they were probably really lame. Magnus hushed him and listened while Alec drifted off to sleep on his shoulder.

Magnus was four hundred years old, he would not allow himself to shed tears over a shadowhunter. He had promised himself that a long time ago; But, the tears were relentless. He pulled his duvet up to his chin and hoped sleep would come quickly, for he was desperate to see Alec's face again.

* * *

**A/N: Awww that was sad. There will be more chapters soon! **

**Review! Favorite! Read it again! Do whatever the hell you want, I can't control you people. :) **


	2. Texts and Loneliness

**WARNINGS: Spoilers in this chapter for the ending of COLS. There are no warnings for the content of ****this chapter, unless you don't like pure unadulterated sadness. Much less fluff then the first chapter. Oops, sorry.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Magnus paced his loft. His mind was split in a silent debate. The mental civil war was, as always, about Alec Lightwood.

One part of him, probably the more reasonable part, suggested that he talk things through with Alec and make him understand the real reason why they broke up.

The other part of him objected and wanted him to sit around feeling pitiful and guilty about the past.

The second part was winning out, mainly because it was less effort and Magnus hadn't eaten a decent meal in days. He was running on three cups of coffee and left over crab rangoons.

_Alec was worth it_, countered the first part. _Of everyone on this planet, Alec was always worth it_. Magnus couldn't argue with that. It was the same logic that always persuaded him to help the Shadowhunters on one of their suicide missions. He cursed his heart as he grabbed his phone off of the counter. He began to type in the number but his finger hesitated on the last digit. He struggled to figure out what he was going to say, before he realized that there wasn't anything he could say.

Alec had been avoiding him for weeks. Jace had come by to pick up Alec's belongings because he claimed to be too busy to get them himself. Magnus had seen him at the mall, of all places, shopping with Isabelle. At the first sight of Magnus, he stiffened, turned around and walked straight out the exit. Magnus had wanted to follow him but something held him in place._ Go after him!_ His mind had screamed,but Magnus knew he shouldn't. Alec was going to great lengths to avoid him, so maybe he should do the same.

There was one thing Magnus realized the first few days after their break up. When they were together, Alec would always text him before he went to sleep. After their break up, Magnus would look towards his phone and see that one word, sent to him by force of habit. Alec's contact would light up Magnus's phone at eleven o'clock every night, the exact time Alec went to bed. Magnus never replied, but he was always grateful to receive the text. For a moment, just before his head hit the pillow, he could pretend that they were still together. It was a painfully wonderful thing to imagine, but it just brought him sadness every morning.

Magnus held his phone, standing in his loft at three in the afternoon, debating whether he should call him. It struck him that if he tried to talk to Alec he wouldn't be able to get the words out. He glanced down at Alec's number and made a split second decision. He brought up Alec's texts. A long strand of _goodnigh_t's stretching all the way back to the day of their break up, with no replies on Magnus's side. He felt somewhat guilty as he typed out a message.

**Magnus Bane: Do u have a minute? 3 3 CATZ 3 3**

Magnus cringed at the signature that he forgot was programmed into his phone and swiftly deleted it. A few seconds later his phone buzzed.

**Alec Lightwood: Yeah... Why now? **

That was a good question. Why now, instead of all those days he shut his phone off? Why now, instead of replying to his goodnight texts?

**Magnus Bane: Because I finally know what needs to be said.**

This was a lie and Magnus knew it.

**Alec Lightwood: You have my attention.**

_Might as well just skip straight to the point._

**Magnus Bane: I love you, you know that, right? You know I want to be with you more than I've wanted anything else in my life. But we can't be together.**

**Alec Lightwood: WHY NOT? I know I made a huge mistake and I apologized!**

**Magnus Bane: Its not just the thing with Camille! Its much more than that! **

**Alec Lightwood: Then what? What is it thats keeping us apart?**

_How does one explain the burden of immortality to an eighteen year-old?_

**Magnus Bane: We tried Alec, we gave it our best shot. But this... This is about my immortality staring us down whenever I try to love you. You are living proof that my immortality is a toxin that is fatal to relationships. I love you too much, Alexander, to burden you with that. **

**Alec Lightwood: Magnus... I don't care about that anymore. Every second with you is worth a lifetime.**

**Magnus Bane: I'm sorry Alec.**

**Alec Lightwood: You aren't allowed to decide what is too much for me! I am the only one who can decide what I go through and I am telling you that I love you. **

**Alec Lightwood: I'm still sorry for what I did.**

Every text was harder to answer then the last.

**Magnus Bane: You don't need to keep apologizing.**

**Alec Lightwood: You're right, Its your turn.**

Magnus froze, his thumbs suspended above the keys.

**Magnus Bane: What do you mean?**

**Alec Lightwood: You kept me in the dark. You STILL keep me in the dark. Ive told you everything about myself and you've told me nothing! I feel like I don't know you. That was part of the reason I went to Camille. She would tell me more about you then you ever told me! Every time I saw her, I became more and more convinced that you didn't love me enough to talk to me, but you loved her.**

Tears pricked the back of Magnus's eyes.

**Magnus Bane: How could you ever think I didn't love you? I let Camille in. I let her see my past and she used it against me! She knew about me and she unraveled me with it. After her, I realized that sharing myself with someone only puts them in danger.**

**Alec Lightwood: So, you thought I would use it against you? That I would try to break you? You don't trust me?**

**Magnus Bane: You know that isn't what I meant.**

**Alec Lightwood: No, I know what you meant. You wanted to protect me. But who protects you, Magnus?**

**Magnus Bane: I don't understand.**

**Alec Lightwood: You are always worrying about everyone else and how you have to shelter them from everything. Hiding yourself away isn't going to make things better. Who protects you when you've driven everyone away from you?**

Tears were falling freely now.

**Magnus Bane: Its over Alec. Move on and let it go.**

**Alec Lightwood: No.**

**Magnus Bane: I don't need anyone to protect me. Do us both a favor and give up on me.**

**Alec Lightwood: Like everyone else has? No. **

**Magnus Bane: Goodbye Alec.**

Alec didn't respond. Magnus stared down at his phone, both regretting what happened and thanking himself for doing what needed to be done.

Alec didn't text him at eleven that night. Nor the night after that. Magnus hated himself for ruining the one thing he had left.

Then, three nights later, when he was awakened from a light sleep by buzz coming from his bedside table. He rolled over and to look at the time. 3:47 AM.

The phone was giving off a bright fluorescent light that immediately lit up the room, making Magnus wince.

**Alec Lightwood: Goodnight.**

Magnus thought for a second before replying.

**Magnus Bane: Sweet dreams, Alexander.**

A few moments passed before Magnus's phone vibrated one last time.

**Alec Lightwood: I will never give up on you.**

That was enough to make Magnus smile for the first time in weeks.

* * *

**A/N: So sad! I almost feel bad for writing so many sad things! Almost... **

**Review! Follow! Read it again! Favorite if you loved it! Yay! Whatever! More chapters to come...**


	3. Banter and Bullshit

**_This chapter has two parts, one from both the situations with Magnus and Alec._**

**_Warnings: Same spoilers and content warnings as the last chapter. These stories are turning out much more depressing then I intended... _**

**_Sorry guys... Oh well. _**

**_Enjoy!_**

* * *

Jace didn't know why he hadn't checked the library sooner. He knew his Parabatai better than anyone, he should have known the library was his favorite hiding place. He pressed his hands against the cool oak doors and shoved them open.

He was immediately greeted by the smell of old books and dust. The room was vast with high ceilings and dark walls carved with intricate designs in the places not covered by book cases and paintings. He could almost see why Alec liked being in there. It was quiet and old, giving the feeling that if he spoke loudly he would wake the ghosts. The room reminded him, in a way, of Alec. Silent and calm, wise beyond his years, yet intimidating when he wanted to be. What he couldn't understand was could anyone want to sit in a room filled with dust. Jace couldn't come in there for more then ten minutes at a time before sneezing his brains out.

He saw Alec, lying, sprawled out, on the soft, brown cushions of the couch near the fireplace. Jace didn't even want to _think _of all the dust mites that were hiding away in that old couch. If Alec were to strike any of the cushions, he was certain that a cloud of dust would rise into the air. Jace decided that he should avoid making him mad for that exact reason.

Alec was staring up at the ceiling, dark circles under his eyes, as his hands twisted the hilt of his knife, thoughtfully. His clothes looked like they were thrown on in a hurry or by someone with no control of their limbs. He was pretty sure Alec's shirt was on backwards. His dark hair was unkempt and falling across his eyes, in a manor, Jace assumed, was uncomfortable, though he made no move to fix it.

"You weren't at breakfast this morning. Are you hiding? Has Isabelle threatened to make a casserole again? Because I'd be hiding too."

Alec ignored his attempt at humor.

"What are you sick or something? Was there a demon pox outbreak I didn't hear about?"

Alec lifted his head to look at him.

"Hello to you too." Alec's voice was the definition of exhaustion. "Why doesn't anyone greet me with a simple hello anymore? Why has that tradition been broken? I rather liked it."

"Sorry to offend." Said Jace. He was more concerned then playful now. "Alec, are you alright? Is this about Magnus?" Jace's worry level soared when Alec cringed at Magnus's name.

"I don't really want to talk right now, Jace."

Instead of leaving, as he knew Alec wanted, he sat down in the arm chair, trying to ignore how unsanitary it probably was. The fabric at the ends of the armrests were fraying and the whole thing was fading from its original brown color.

"Alec, you're going to have to come out of here at some point."

"I already came out once this year and look where that got me." Alec's dry humor was making Jace even less assured of Alec's mental stability.

"You skipped three meals in a row." Jace said softly.

"I'm fine."

"Well, obviously you're not fine. You can't stay in here sulking forever."

Alec swung his legs off of the couch and planted his feet on the floor, sitting up now.

"I am not _sulking_." His eyes were even darker now that Jace could see without his hair in the way. He could also see the faint remains of tears.

"Yes, you are. You are also beating yourself up over something that's not your fault-"

Alec's rage ignited. So much for not getting him angry.

"Not my fault? Its _entirely_ my fault! I ruined things with Magnus because I was too insecure and I worried too much about the future instead of enjoying my time now! Its my fault that Mom and Dad aren't talking! Its my fault that Max died! Every goddamn thing that goes wrong is always my fault!"

Jace fell silent for a few seconds, allowing Alec to regain his temper, before stating plainly, "Bullshit."

"What?"

"You heard me. That is complete _bullshit_. Number one, you didn't kill Max, Sebastian did. You thought he was safe. You made him as safe as he could possibly be if it weren't for Sebastian tricking us. That was not your fault. Number two, You aren't the reason Maryse and Robert aren't talking, they are just having some trouble right now with all the shit thats been going on. That is not your fault. Number three, you never... Told me about what actually happened with Magnus. What do you mean you ruined things?"

Alec's stare was vacant but heavy on Jace's skin.

"I talked to Camille about taking away Magnus's immortality. She told me all these things about his past that he refused to tell me and I just needed to know more. I was selfish and when he found out that I considered shortening his life without his permission... He ended it. He left me there in a subway tunnel, alone, and It was all because of my damn insecurity." Alec's expression was almost suicidal.

"Thats hard, man. But in a way, its Magnus's fault too. If he had opened up to you, you wouldn't have gone seeking information. Camille used it against you because she was smart. She knew your desire to know Magnus. She knew how much you loved each other and wanted to use you to get back at Magnus."

"I know, Jace, I figured that part out too. But you don't get it. Magnus has made it clear why we can't get back together. So I'm fine with it. I _have_ to be fine."

"Alec, you're not-"

"I'm _fine_. Can you leave now?" It was more of a demand then a request.

Jace left the library feeling defeated, now that he knew how badly Alec was doing. Alec lay back down and resumed his apparently entertaining task of staring absently at the ceiling. Jace wished he could know what he was thinking, but that would take a mind reader or a largeamount of alcohol.

* * *

"Magnus, you are a drama queen." Said Catarina, inspecting an empty Chinese food container with her toe, before kicking it away, disgusted.

"You know, as one of my best and oldest friends, you could show some compassion." Came Magnus's voice from the bathroom where Magnus was getting changed.

"Sorry." Catarina said, raising her hands slightly in mock defeat, even though Magnus couldn't see her. "It's just, Ive never seen you so upset before."

"I'm not _upset_." Defended Magnus, walking into the room while brushing his hair.

"Uh huh." replied Catarina, unconvinced. "So you aren't thinking about Alec at all?" She could see Magnus physically fighting back a cringe at the name.

"Not in the least."

"Okay. Well, then I'm sure the fact that you are dressed in all blue is purely coincidence?"

Magnus looked down in surprise. His black waist coat with blue designs along the pockets, was unbuttoned and his blue shirt hung loosely on his torso. His pants were extremely tight and extremely blue. His sparkles were, as you may have guessed it, an electric blue.

"Huh."

"I mean, I would say you were doing this in honor of my lovely complexion, but that shade of blue is quite different then my skin tone. Your's is more of an azure. Like the shade of a certain Nephilim's eye color?"

Magnus's cat like eyes narrowed.

"Shut up."

Catarina just shook her head.

"Magnus, when are you going to start acting like an adult and stop brooding alone in your apartment surrounded by cartons of-" She picked up two boxes off of the coffee table. "Beef teriyaki and pork fried rice."

"I am not _brooding_. Besides, beef teriyaki and pork fried rice are my friends."

"They are food and yes you are."

"Well, at least _they_ aren't mocking me, unlike some blue warlocks I know."

Catarina sighed, looking up at Magnus pleadingly. He met her gaze. Though he seemed so chipper and full of banter, she could see that his eyes were lacking in their usual gleam of wildness. This was the first time she would ever consider describing Magnus's eyes as _dull_.

"Take care of yourself Magnus. I can't stand to see you like this."

Though he was saddened by recent events, he still shone of caring.

"I'm fine Catarina. I just need some time to think." He insisted softly.

Catarina nodded, grabbed the DVD she had come to pick up, and stepped out of the apartment. The folds of her white dress flowed behind her like light flower petals.

Magnus closed the door and let out a loud sigh. He looked down at his outfit and was immediately ashamed of himself. He snapped his sparkles away and removed every article of blue clothing as if it scorched him. He sat on the floor, surrounded by a mess of empty boxes and shredded articles of clothing. He wished he could have been dealt a better hand, but he knew the game wasn't over yet.

* * *

**_A/N: Ugh so much sadness! I hope you like these sad things because I have a few more to write and they are all going to be pretty sad. Buckle up and brace yourself for the ride._**

**_Follow! Favorite! Whatever! I LIVE off of reviews. _**


End file.
